I don’t like to make sacrifices. I don’t fast on Yom Kippur like good Jews are supposed to. I think I believe in karma, but I could be wrong. Just to be safe, I sacrificed a much-needed nap to sit through the entire 2 hour Fox News/Google Republican Douchefest last night to provide you all with a running diary. Consider it a labor of love. Unlike Fox News, I’m more than happy to admit my bias ahead of time in favor of everyone’s favorite liberty lovin’ Texas Doctor, Congressman Ron Paul. I credit his few brief moments in the spotlight as the only thing to keep me from falling into a catatonic coma. And here we go!
6:00 What a delight it is to be welcomed by Brett Baier!!!! And he’s wasting no time…let’s MEET THE CANDIDATES!!!!! (I’ve decided to add my own nicknames in the parentheses (those are the things this sentence was in (and this one))).
Rick Perry (Gardasil Rick)
Mitt Romney (Willard)
Ron Paul (RON PAUL – no nickname required but he does deserve capital letters)
Michelle Bachman (Bat#!t)
Newt Gingrich (NEEEEWWWWT)
Herman Cain (Pizza Guy)
Rick Santorum (Lil Ricky, although really nothing describes him better than his name. Just Google “Santorum”)
Jon Huntsman (The Diplomat)
Gary Johnson (Not Quite Ron Paul)
6:01 And our first question goes to…Gardasil Rick, in a stunning twist. He’s asked about his jobs plan, since he doesn’t seem to have one. He quickly reassures us that “it’s coming” and proceeds to inform that “something special” has been happening in Texas since he’s been governor. Um. Ok.
6:05 And it’s Willard Time! Unlike Gardasil Rick, Willard has a jobs plan – a 59 Point Plan! Dang. I prefer Ron Paul’s 3 Point Plan of End the Wars, End the IRS, End the Fed. But maybe I’m just a simpleton!
We get a follow-up question asking Willard who he thinks qualifies as “rich”. We get a classic Willard Non-Answer , something to the effect of “I want everyone to be rich!” . How nice!
6:08. Bats#!t’s Turn. She is re-asked a question she was asked at the last debate, since she didn’t actually answer it last time. Some youtube bro wanted to know how much of his money he deserved to keep. Her answer was that you earned it and you should keep all of it! Woohoo!! Oh but the only catch is…we’re still going to need to give some taxes to the government. Oh, so um…how much again? She then proceeded to ramble about how bad Barack Obama is.
6:09: Lil Ricky gets a question about “right to work” laws. I missed his answer since I got up to get ice cream from the freezer, only there was none. I have a feeling both myself and everyone watching at home were equally disappointed.
6:10. NEEEEWWWWTTT gets a question about unemployment . Instead of talking about that, I’ll just copy one of his Tweet’s from earlier in the week
“@David_Kretzmann there is no question ron paul was the first serious national leader to take on federal reserve history will recognize him”
Say what you will about him, but Newt’s a smart guy, and he’s sees the way the winds blowin’.
6:12 The Diplomat answers a question about government subsidies to energy., but not before robotically informing us how honored he is to be in Florida (really?) and to make sure we know his lovely wife is there. (Seems like a nice guy, actually). Apparently government subsidies to energy are bad because we can get disasters like Solyndra…that being said we should subsidize natural gas. Got it.
6:15. Pizza Guy’s turn! Missed the question but he’s sure was fired up to tell us about his 6-6-6 Plan. Or maybe its’ the 9-9-9 Plan, which I assume is some sort of 9 Pizza, 9 Toppings, 9 Dollars Type Deal. Sounds awesome. I kinda like Herman Cain, mostly because his name is Herman and he used the phrase “That Dog Won’t Hunt”. And now I want pizza .
6:17 Only took 17 minutes to get to RON PAUL! He gets the Youtube question with the most votes , regarding the 10th Amendment. He responds that he would veto every bill that violated the 10th Amendment (as he’d be obligated to do taking an oath to the Constitution as President, of course). Apparently that answer wasn’t long enough because Chris Wallace begged him to speak even more! So we get treated to a nice little mini-rant about the Constitution and the government trampling all over states rights. Standard RON PAUL stuff, which is in no way a bad thing.
6:19 And now Not Quite Ron Paul gets a question about …RON PAUL?! He is asked if he’s a better libertarian than Ron Paul. I’ll answer that one: nope. But Gary Johnsons’ not bad, and it’s gotta be a real slap in the face to finally get invited to a debate only to get a question about the other libertarian guy. Anyway, his answer would prove to be the same answer he gives for literally every question “Balance the budget, and institute a Fair Tax”. Again he’s not terrible, but let’s not go calling someone who promotes a national sales tax a “libertarian”, mmkay? Mmkay.
6:20. We get a break with some Porn Star Fox hired to read words reading words.
6:21. We are now introduced to something called a “Word Cloud”. The biggest word in the cloud is “illegal” . I have no idea what any of this means.
6:26 And it’s Gardasil Rick vs. Willard, Round One! I think I blacked out for most of this, but basically they spent about 8 minutes throwing down about who said what in who’s book. All I know is that this ended with Willard proclaiming that America is the “Hope of the Earth!” Well then!
6:34 Pizza guys tell us that, if he was FORCED to end one federal department it would be the EPA. But only , you know, if forced.
6:35 Neeewwwt gets in a pretty funny line about Greek bonds before revealing that he will soon have a BRAND NEW CONTRACT FOR AMERICA – PART DEUX!!! EFF YEAH!!!!!
6:37 We get a Youtube question on education that everyone gets 30 seconds to answer (Editor’s note: Time limits do not apply to Gardasil Rick or Willard. It’s in the rules).
RON PAUL of course gets right to the nitty gritty and gets to ending the Department of Education. The crowd proceeds to start an “End the ED! End the ED!” chant. Although I may have made that up. Perry says something about vouchers and charter schools, which somehow leads us to…Gardasil Rick vs. Willard Round 2!!!!
6:47 I awake from my 2nd coma of the evening to hear Pizza Guy proclaiming “Cut the Strings ! Cut the Strings!”. Again, hard not to sorta enjoy his presence in this snore fest.
6:48 Brett Baier pauses to ask everyone if they like the new bell Fox is using to indicate when a candidate’s time is up. Which somehow seques to an Immigration Roundabout!!! The highlight of this of course, is Gardasil Rick getting BOOOOOOOO’d for promoting giving tax-subsidized education discounts to illegal immigrants in Texas.
6:55 Decide to lay in a depravation chamber for a few minutes to regain my bearings . I return to RON PAUL being asked about his “controversial ” border fence remarks from the last debate. Chris Wallace smugly asks “Dr. Paul, do you know a lot of americans who want to take their money and flee America?”. This question was all in Wallace’s tone. He may as well have been asking “Dr. Paul, do you KNOW a lot of triple-horned bi-pedal space aliens who are plotting to steal the world’s supply of rainbows?” Of course, RON PAUL nails it out of the park talking about capital controls and how any national database will be for Americans, not just “illegals”. RON PAUL has it right, it’s about the subsidies. Stop subsidising illegal immigration with free health care and education and birthright citizenship just for popping a baby out and the problem works itself out.
7:01. Not sure if this aired on the tele, but watching it on YouTube one of the commentators went off about Ron Paul saying he’s in there ‘wrecking shop”. I believe this was a compilment.
7:02 Here we go….Israel’s in the Word Cloud! I still don’t know what that means, other than that we’re about to hear a whole bunch of nonsense about how we need to protect a country that has a hugely sophisticated military and 300 nuclear weapons from its’ neighbors that barely have a dog catching force let alone an air force.
7:04 Pizza Guy claims we need “Peace Through Strength and Clarity”, before getting all tough and proclaiming “You mess with Israel, you mess with us!”. Followed by Cheers. Ugh.
7:07 Lil Ricky has the easy answer : keep our troops everywhere! He then tries to get in a few jabs at RON PAUL, in his continued attempt to be the Rudy Guliani of 2011. RON PAUL of course doesn’t get a chance to rebutt, since he’s neither rude nor Gardasil Rick or Willard.
7:09 Keeping on foreign policy, we get a pretty good question about foreign aid “Why do we send money to countries that hate us?”. Although I don’t know how a “country” i.e. a land mass in a specified geographic area can feel “hate”, but I digress. NEEEEWWWT answers this one with something about investment. Some buy stocks, some buy gold, Newt buys foreign dictators. To each his own.
7:10 Not Quite Ron Paul gets a question about charter flights to Cuba, one of the most pressing campaign issues of our time. Much like the real RON PAUL, he’s for free and open trade with Cuba and all nations. Again , not bad but well, you know…he’s NOT QUITE RON PAUL.
7:12 Bats#!t chimes in to let us know that Cuba is one of the 4 biggest state sponsors of terror. Watch out for those MojitoTov Cocktails!
7:14 The Diplomat jumps to counter Gardasil Rick and let us know it’s “time to bring the troops home…from Afghanistan”. Well I suppose it’s a start. I prefer RON PAUL’s “from everywhere”, but again I’m a simple guy!
7:15 Bats#!t says something about religion. I daydream of a midget riding a unicorn.
7:16 And it’s time for everyone’s favorite show, Gay Bashin’ with Rick Santorum!
7:18 Hey, it’s been a while since we gave RON PAUL a “gotcha!” question. So here’s one about abortion, and how RON PAUL can be pro-life and be ok with the rape exception and the morning after pill. RON PAUL knocks it out of the park (crap I used that one…um…throws a 70 yd touchdown pass?) that he is staunchly pro-life but when it comes down to it things like a morning after pill and rape are decisions for states and inviduals to deal with, and wouldn’t be under his domain as President. He nails it with this line “Nobody can outdo me on respect for life, but law doesn’t solve the problem”. Big applause for that one. Keep in mind this is a crowd of Mainstream Republicans (you have to be a paid party member to attend the debate). Impressive.
7:20. Gardasil Rick gets a question about…George W. Bush?? WTF?!? Is this 2008? We get some mumbo jumbo about how their good buddies and talk on birthdays and chop wood together all the time or something.
7:21 The Word Cloud is back….and it’s OBAMACARE!!! Oooohhhh!!!!
7:22. Turns out Pizza Guy survived colon and liver cancer. Also claims he’d be dead if Obamacare was in place when he got sick. I can’t confirm or deny any of this.
7:25 And back to Bats#!t for some HPV vaccine talk! Perry responds to the claim he was lobbied by Merck to mandate the vaccine with some bullshit story about how he was lobbied by a cancer survivor. And….more BOOOOOOOSSSS for Gardasil Rick. I gotta say that never gets old. This all leads us to….GARDASIL RICK VS WILLARD ROUND THREE!!!! I tried to fast forward, but the internet doesn’t have Future Fast Forward technology yet.
7:27 Time for an Internet Interlude! At least that’s what I’m calling it. They get in a good plug for RON PAUL that he has by far the most views for his internet videos at 1.6 million. That’s prettay, prettay, prettaaaaaayyyy good.
7:28 We go back to Chris Wallace for BIG, SERIOUS, OVERREACHING QUESTION TIME! This week it’s “How will you go about turning the country around?” I’ll sum up the answers in as few words as possible.
The Diplomat – Tax Plan!
Pizza Guy – Lead us up a hill!
Bats#!t – OBAMACARE BAD! REPEAL!!!!!
Willard – We’re patriotic! We have a national anthem!!!!
Gardasil Rick – Energy Independent!
RON PAUL – A classic Paulian answer about bubbles, the business cycle, and of course the culprit of all culprits, the Fed. Slow. Clap.
NEEEEWWWT – Something about Jimmy Carter. Beat Obama!
Lil Ricky – Something about Ronald Reagan, cuz that’s what America’s all about.
Not Quite Ron Paul – a decently funny line about his neighbor’s dogs creating more shovel ready jobs than Obama. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, Gary Johnson’s not bad…but he’s Not Quite Ron Paul.
7:46 We mercifully get our final question, a typical game-show type question about who on stage would they choose as running mate. Pretty much everyone here defaulted on the question, except for Not Quite Ron Paul who wasted no time in saying he’d choose…Ron Paul. Well duh. New Coke would probably choose Coke Classic too. Perry also had some strange answer about “mating” Pizza Guy and Willard. Um…creepy. Ron Paul used the opportunity to remind everyone that he is polling in 3rd place and in the Top Tier of candidates, and that he’ll start thinking about a running mate when he’s in the Final 2. And Chris Wallace is very verklempt.
In Summary: Pretty much what we expected, focusing on Gardasil Rick and Willard and occasionally letting someone else get in. Here’s the time breakdown courtesy of DailyPaul
Total Talk (mm:ss)
Ron Paul 04:33
RON PAUL, a frontrunner by any measure be it straw polls, fundraising or polling, gets the 2nd least amount of time, while we are all subjected to Perry and Willard whippin’ each others junk around. I do feel that this was one of Dr. Paul’s best performances in terms of the clarity and confidence in his answers.
I hope you all appreciate what I’ve done for you here today. I don’t know if I have the willpower to sit through one of these again, but hey if you like my running diaries and can butter me up just right, well maybe that dog will hunt. Or something. USA USA!