People tend to think that I’m “really into” politics. And I suppose it’s a reasonable assumption to make as I’m always going on about this thing or that thing that the government does. But really it’s politics that I loathe. Politics, i.e. the art of lying and scheming one’s way to power in order to exert said power over the citizens you are proclaiming to represent (author’s note: definition made up by me), is the problem if you ask me. We have way too many politicians, and not enough regular old folks as our representatives were originally intended to be.
So please realize that I take no pleasure in sitting on my computer this fine Wednesday afternoon watching the YouTube of this silly little charade that went on last night. I do this out of love, or perhaps out of ego, but whatever it is believe me I’d rather be sitting on the beach sipping a battery acid and wheat germ smoothie than watching these paper mache fools spout their nonsensical rhetoric for two hours. To lessen the pain a little, here’s the 11 minutes or so that matter, that being the scant amount of time the one non-politician up there was allowed to speak, that of course being the good Doctor from Texas, Congressman Ron Paul.
As always and unlike the Mainstream Media (MSM, for those of you that don’t rant on the internet all day) I make my biases very clear. I support Ron Paul, and the rest of these stooges are fascist scum. Clear enough?
Let’s get started!
I’ll be using YouTube TimeCode for this one:
00:00:00 Charlie Rose kicks us off by letting us know that New Hampshire is good at picking Presidents. Like Pat Buchanan. And um, John McCain. He also reminds us that things aren’t all peachy right now in the good ‘ol US of A and therefore this debate is all about the economy! And the role of government! Guess that means we’ll be hearing from Ron Paul a bunch! Charlie goes on to inform us that everyone is sitting at a table, and that he really likes this table. Thanks, Charlie.
He then goes over the debate rules, but I’m going to take this time to give everyone a nickname that I’ll use to refer to them throughout this recap. Some I’ve used before, some are new. Guess you’ll have to just read my last debate recap to find out!
Jon Huntsman: The Diplomat
Michelle Bachman: Mrs. Garrett
Rick Perry: Fireman Rick
Herman Cain: The Godfather (thanks, Rico!)
Rick Santorum: Frothy Rick (Google “Santorum” for this one. Heck, I’ll do it for you)
Newt Gingrich: NEEEWWWTTT
Ron Paul: RON PAUL
Mitt Romney: Mittens
Charlie then reminds us once again how much he loves this table, as he saunters over for our FIRST QUESTION!!!! (Emphasis mine. Charlie seems rather drab about the whole affair.)
2:13 The first question goes out to The Godfather! What will it be? Sicilian or Neapolitan? Mushrooms or Pepperoni? Turns out it’s a question about the S&P Debt Downgrade. Boooorrrinnnng.
The Godfather would do TWO (2) Things to Fix It!
1) Present a plan to rebuild the economy. How neat. He mentions his famous 9-9-9 plan. This will not be the last you hear of it.
2) Start bringing down the debt by not spending more than we take in. No specifics on this one, but we are once again told this 9-9-9 Plan is the key to everything. Told you this wouldn’t be the last you hear of 9-9-9. I think he just turned one thing (9-9-9) into 2 things. CAIN!!!!!
3:26 Next question’s for Fireman Rick. I didn’t hear a question here, just a statement about how Rick doesn’t want to go to Washington to compromise, but to GET RESULTS! Woohoo!!!!
Fireman Rick says Texas is great and he’ll put 1.2 million people to work in the energy industry by turning America into the next Saudia Arabia. A New Declaration of Independence!! Energy Independence!!!! YEAH!!!!!
4:46 Next up, it’s Mittens Time! Charlie wants to know just what Mittens will do to get the country “moving again” and fix it’s problems? No way he can wiggle out of a question so specific!
Mittens informs us he will be prepared to be a leader. I guess he’s still working on it? He’ll also bring us together and identify people who care more about the country than they do about being elected! Just like him! I just mentally inserted a Pinocchio growing-nose animation onto Mittens’ face, and I suggest you do the same since I’m just a lowly blogger without access to fancy new technologies like that.
6:15 Charlie decides to make things interesting and…toss it back to Fireman Rick for a response! Mittens’ and Charlie both wanna know: where’s your plan Rick?!
Fireman Rick babbles some more about energy and how Obama’s bad, though he can’t lay it out all for us tonight since he’s just spur of the moment decided to run for President 2 months ago, of course. And I just slammed a Monster Energy Drink. Moving along.
7:36 7 minutes in and Charlie needs a break so he tosses it over to his “friend” Karen something, who looks like Janet Reno, so I’m just gonna call her Janet Reno. Janet Reno wants to know if Mrs. Garrett thinks it’s right that no Wall Street Execs have gone to jail for the damage they did to the economy?
Mrs. Garrett somewhat accurately blames the government’s pushing of the subprime loans and Fannie and Freddie for the housing crisis. She of course fails to mention the enabler of all of this, the Federal Reserve.
9:35 Janet Reno kicks it over to NEEEWWWTTT to ask about Occupy Wall Street, which he claims is the “natural product of Obama’s class warfare”, dumbing down the issues by using partisan rhetoric as usual instead of blaming the entire system which he, of course, is a part of.
NEEEWWWTT claims people have a reason to be angry and says some protesters are stupid commies and others are basically the Tea Party. He also calls for the jailing of Barney Frank and Chris Dodd. When questioned on this he confirms that yes, he’s indeed serious and goes on to include Ben Bernanke to the FIRST APPLAUSE OF THE NIGHT. He then tries to parody Ron Paul by going on a rant about the secrecy of the Fed and their ability to pick winners and losers.
11:59 Janet Reno smells what Newt is cookin’ so she tosses it over to the real RON PAUL to ask where he weighs in on this, to laughter all around. HAHAHAHA! Crazy Uncle Ron loves talkin’ about the Fed endlessly printing money and destroying the dollar! That wacky ‘ol nut!
RON PAUL talks about his partial audit of the Fed and the $15 trillion in secret bailouts, $5 trillion of which went to foreign banks. He then slyly pokes at The Godfather by mentioning “some people at this table who don’t think we need to audit the Fed, that we can just call them up and ask them things”, pointing out that he’s been trying to do that for 30 years. As usual, he talks like a human and not a pre-programmed PolitikBot.
13:27 Some new chick from Bloomberg who looks like Marisa Tomei, so of course I’ll be calling her that from now on, asks Frothy Rick if we can get our manufacturing jobs back.
The Frothy One thinks they can if we can create conditions for them to be profitable. And, of course, if we bomb Iran and kill a bunch Muslims (added by author)! Oh, also he wants to DRILL, BABY DRILL in Pennsylvania! Which I think is going to be the other new Saudi Arabia. Wait, does that mean we have to
bomb PA too???
15:46 Marisa Tomei asks The Diplomat something about jobs to make him feel wanted. His main point is that Washington, DC is the gas capital of the country (ba dump bump, ching). Also, something about freedom and innovation, and making the economy “hum”.
17:10 Back to NEEEEWWWTTT! Tell us about Medicare, Newt!
NEEEEWWWWTTT: DEATH PANELS.
19:00 Janet Reno asks Mrs. Garrett about Medicare too. Take it, Mrs. Garrett!
Mrs Garrett: OBAMACARE BAD!
20:38 Charlie wants to know who advises The Diplomat on stuff. The Diplomat says his dad does. Well him, and people that manufacture stuff. So you get your advice from your dad and…Chinese child laborers? Got it.
Somehow this leads to Charlie asking him if he supports The Godfather’s 9-9-9 Plan, and The Diplomat responds by STEALING MY PIZZA DEAL JOKE FROM MY LAST BLOG. Due to this transgression, I refuse to report on the remainder of his answer as I setup a conference call with my legal team.
23:30 The Godfather is ticked about that Pizza quip, so he demands time to respond, and informs us that it will pass and that it’s not the price of a pizza. Thanks for clarifying.
I’d like to note here that I support Cain’s plan, as long as he spells it “Nein-Nein-NEIN!”
24:08 Janet wants to know who the Godfather gets economic advise from. It’s the American people as well as some “well recognized economists” and reminds us, once again, that 9-9-9 didn’t come from a Pizza box. Ok. We get it.
24:58 Marisa Tomei lays out a scary “hypothetical” scenario to Mittens where we’re in the dark and distant future (2013), and the economy is falling apart (what are the odds of that!?) and wonders what he’d do about it.
Mittens emphasizes that’s a hypothetical situation and he’s not omniscient. Oh shoot! But he knows how to make tough decisions so don’t worry our little heads about it. But if the economy collapses, we need to take action to stop it by preserving our financial institutions, but not bailing out individual institutions. But he’s against bailouts. But supported them. And might again. If he really needed to. But he doesn’t want to. Not if he can help it. Only if action needs to be taken. He then rattles off about 10 questions to himself. My brain has turned into banana yogurt.
29:50 Somehow this took 5 minutes and we’re still not sure if he supports bailouts or not. So let’s toss it back to the Godfather, who apparently in 2008 said the bailout was a “win” for the taxpayer. He claims that answer was just “conceptual”, but he doesn’t like the way they did it. So he’s against bailouts, except in theory. Mmmmmmkay.
30:38 NEEWWWWTTT chimes in to remind us things are gettin’ messy in Europe and that we need to do stuff.
31:30 Charlie asks RON PAUL if the government should get out of housing.
Of course he thinks it should, but before he can say much Charlie exclaims “No Freddie Mac? No Fannie Mae?? Nuthin?”
RON PAUL goes into educator mode and talks about how government intervention only creates the problems and FINALLY gives himself and other Austrain economists credit for calling the housing bubble from the beginning and explaining how the bubbles were doomed to burst thanks to malinvestment caused by Fannie, Freddie, the Housing Act, etc. He bashes the other candidates on their “tinkering” ideas and again heroically champions radical change, getting rid of the debt, and instituting a system of sound money. Here here.
33:10 We then mercifully get a break, which on the YouTube version is just a few minutes of a graphic informing me “We Are in a Commercial Break”. Fun. I get up to pee. I am also now halfway through my 2nd Monster.
36:30 We come back to some frightening music as we pan away from a creepy pic of Theodore Roosevelt. Ok. We then channel the ghost of Ronald Reagan! Oh wait, it’s just a clip of him talking about budget deficits and the debt, and his case for raising taxes from 1984.
37:42 Charlie asks Fireman Rick if he agrees with the former President. The Fireman dabbles between a little Reagan worship and avoids the question of taxes and gets in a line about a Balanced Budget Amendment.
39:00 Charlie than goes to Mittens , since he’ll give it to us straight!
Mittens says we should read his lips! No new taxes and cut spending! Balanced Budget! Get the economy going! Invest in the US! Bring our jobs back!
40:30 Janet gets to the nitty gritty and tries to ask what they will cut to fix the budget.
Mittens thinks it’s bad to cut “defense” (the popular euphemism for offensive wars and doling out huge contracts to war profiteers) and bad to raise taxes, but we need to cut government!
41:40 NEEEWWWTTT chimes in to bust on the Super Committee. NEEEWWWTT is as elite as they come, but his presence continues to entertain. He basically calls everyone stupid. Fair enough.
42:40 What say you, Mrs. Garrett? Well according to her we spend more than we take in, and that’s bad. What’s the solution? Cut back on spending! As she continues the trend of not actually naming anything to be cut. She also informs us she has a “background in economics” and as a “federal tax lawyer”.
44:40 We then get a clip of The Godfather touting 9-9-9 AGAIN. He sure is excited about a national sales tax! Marisa claims his plan is not revenue neutral according to some analysis. The Godfather claims this is incorrect. Well, guess we’re at a standstill here!
46:40 Marisa wants to know what Mrs. Garrett thinks of 9-9-9. She thinks it’s bad because taxes are bad. And she knows…because she was a tax lawyer! Enforcing tax laws! Taxes are bad! My brain is now oatmeal…oatmeal with too much water.
47:50 More clips! This one is of Mittens threatening China for being big bad meanies and “manipulating” their currency.
Let’s hear about it from the expert, former ambassador to China, The Diplomat!
He doesn’t want to be in a trade war, and actually makes sense when he claims our QE policies are devaluing our currency and it’s a little hypocritical to bash China for currency manipulation. He then says something about meeting with all the mayors of China?! Hmmmm. Okey dokes.
49:50 Janet wants to hear more about China. And I’m now craving egg rolls. Let’s hear what Mittens thinks.
“They’re takin our jobs!”
51:35 What say you, Fireman Rick?
“Get American working again! Energy Independence! 9-9-9 Bad!”
52:37 Charlie introduces a clip of some CEO of something telling us we need to compete more and asking everyone how we do that. He also gets in a pretty cool line basically saying “yeah we know America is great idiots, can you give me something specific here”. Well thanks, fella!
53:40 Frothy Rick, the floor is yours!
“9-9-9 is bad, Nancy Pelosi is bad, repeal Obamacare!” China can’t handle that.
55:36 The Godfather speaks! We sorta listen:
“I’m not a politician! 9-9-9! Bold solutions!”
56:00 Mittens!
“Repeal Obamacare!” * yawn *
He also claims we need the government to get health care to “work like a free market”. Hmmmm…how about we try…the free market?
57:04 One more shot from the Diplomat:
No real answer here, we just get a little quibbling from The Diplomat, Mittens and Frothy about the definition of “repeal” before a much-needed break. 2nd Monster down!
1:00:14 And we’re back! With some chick and some dude, telling us everything we’ve seen is everything we’ve expected, and something about a kitchen sink. Also – 9-9-9!!!!! They babble for a bit about the candidates, which is actually a nice change of pace from the candidates babbling about themselves.
1:05:38 After another break, it’s Q&
amp;A time! This is where the candidates get to ask other candidates questions. How fun! What’s the over/under on 9-9-9 questions? I’m going 2.5.
1:06:00 Mrs. Garrett asks Fireman Rick about how he campaigned for Al Gore, doubled the size of the Texas government and did it by increasing bond debt. Hey I’ll hand it to ya, Garrett, not a bad question! How can we trust you, Fireman Rick?
Fireman Rick says he grew up a Democrat, it’s not his fault! He became a Republican when he figured it all out (at an earlier age than Reagan! Impressive!). He makes some claim about having Texas having the 2nd lowest debt per capita in the US. Well sweet.
1:07:40 Godfather Time! 9-9-9! Question is for Mittens: Can you name all 59 pts of your plan and is it simple, fair and neutral? Again not a bad question.
Mittens says simple is nice and cute but life isn’t simple and goshdarnit he’s smart enough to figure it all out! Needless to say he doesn’t name them all.
The Godfather says it : “So it’s not simple is what you’re saying. Thanks”
1:09:50. NEEEWWWWTT has a question for Mittens. He wants to know about Page 47 of Mittens’ plan (he actually read that thing?!?!?) and asks something about tax rates.
Mittens responds with some class rhetoric about how he’s not worried about “rich people”. This may as well have been Obama answering.
1:11:40 The Diplomat has a question fo…you guessed it – Mittens! Something about his jobs record at a company called “Bain Capital”, which I believe is a company dedicated to breaking Batman’s back. That was a geeky comic book reference, for the non-nerds out there.
Mitten says something about starting a Sports Authority and a steel mill. Well you showed him.
1:13:26 RON PAUL has a question about the Fed for the Godfather, and wants to know why he thinks the Fed doesn’t need to be audited.
The Godfather claims RON PAUL shouldn’t believe everything he finds on the internet, and that he’s not opposed to an audit. And, in case you forgot – 9-9-9!!!
Well, here’s something I found on the internet:
1:15:50 Time for Fireman Rick to ask Mittens’ another question…about our favorite Republican topic – Obamacare! And how is it so much worse than Romneycare in Massachusetts?
Mittens’ claims Romneycare good, Obamacare bad, and he was the best governor ever (paraphrasedish). Also, he cares about people. Aw shucks thanks Mittens!
1:18:00 We get a good little chuckle when Charlie tries to go to Santorum who lets him know that Romney is next (they are doing this alphabetically). The easily amused candidates yuk it up and bust on Charlie for a few minutes, before Mittens asks Mrs. Garrett what she would do to get people back to work.
Mrs. Garrett reminds us that she has 72 foster kids (rounding up) and points us to her website for more info. She also claims she spent her whole life in the private sector (such as being a lawyer for the IRS, making money off having foster kids, being a Congresswoman, etc).
1:20:55 Frothy Rick has a question about TARP. It’s bad. He calls out the TARP supporters at the table for pretending to be anti-establishment. Fair enough. The question is for The Godfather about – you guessed it – 9-9-9!!! How can we trust you, Godfather?
The Godfather says there are 3 deterrents, and I stopped listening there since I presume they are 1) 9, 2) 9 and 3) 9.
9-9-9!!!!!!
1:23:09 Charlie sends us to break before our last segment. Thank god. The girlfriend informs me we’re out of Monster. Shucks. Let’s hope this sparkly Pellegrino can get me through the last stretch.
1:26:29 We come back and Charlie goes right after Fireman Rick about our favorite topic, health care!
Fireman Rick tells us health care is important. So is getting America back to work. So everyone can purchase health care. I’ll give you one guess how he proposes we do that…Energy Independence! Man, this energy independence thing is like his 9-9-9. Only it’s not nearly as catchy and doesn’t make me want pizza.
Janet grills him about one of his statements about Medicaid waivers. Fireman Rick dodges it with some rhetoric, per usual. PS Repeal Obamacare!
1:29:40 Marisa Tomei asks the Godfather which Fed Chairman in the last 40 years was the best. His answer “Alan Greenspan”. Why? Because that’s who was there when he was there. Gotcha. Too bad he also was responsible for the Dot Com bubble, the Housing Bubble, and all that jazz. He also tells us that to replace Bernanke he has TWO CANDIDATES IN MIND ALREADY!!! But he of course can’t tell us until he’s elected so…vote for the Godfather to find out!
1:31:20 and we go to RON PAUL. “Spoken like a true insider” he says about Cain. Nice. He then goes on to rail about Greenspan gets some good applause at calling him a “disaster”. He says Volcker was the best since he raised interest rates and helped stem inflation. But of course, that’s like picking your favorite Serial Killer. Mine’s Ted Bundy, btw. 
1:32:44 Charlie tosses us to a small business owner who wants to know how banks can lend her more money.
Mittens takes this one. He claims Obama is well meaning but just “over his head”. Also, Barney Frank and Chris Dodd are jerks!!!
1:34:40 Mrs. Garrett chimes in to tell us that, yes, it’s true, Barney Frank and Chris Dodd ARE jerks. And she knows because she asked some banker in Iowa. Well then.
1:36:06 The Godfather chimes in to remind us that Capital Gains tax is bad, and guess what plan gets rid of that? Say it with me now – 9 – 9 – 9!!!!!!
1:36:10 RON PAUL knows we’re getting bored (since he’s had all of 4 minutes or so of time) so he butts in to give us a breather from the BS for a minute. He rails about Dodd-Frank, but also points out Sarbanes-Oxley, passed by Republicans, is just as bad and and calls out everyone for pretending the problems stem from just the last 2 years of Obama and not the entire system at large. I chug some Pellegrino in agreement.
1:36:53 Janet asks Fireman Rick about Solyndra. He says it’s bad to subsidize energy…unless state governments do it! Like he has in Texas! Got it. Also…DON’T MESS WITH TEXAS.
1:39:24 Charlie has ONE MORE VIDEO! It’s a clip of GW Bush touting how great it is that everyone owned their own home from a few years back.
Whatcha think, NEEEWWWTTT??
NEEEWWWTTTT says the future is bright, anyone who claims otherwise is an America-hating jerk. He also goes back to pretending to be Ron Paul by mentioning hard money and a “restrained Fed”.
1:41:15 Marisa calls out The Godfather on his statement about that the Wall Street protesters should stop whining and get jobs; he clarifies he was just talking to those dirty protesters, not the unemployed in general.
1:42:08 Marisa wants to know something from Mittens about payroll taxes. The remains of the two Monsters running through my veins are barely keeping me awake at this point. I think he said Obama is bad or something.
1:43:56 Janet asks Fireman Rick about the “1%” and poverty.
Fireman Rick of course, blames Obama, the JOB KILLER! Dang maybe he should be my new favorite serial killer!
1:45:00 Frothy lets us know the biggest problem is the breakdown of the ‘American Family’ and that’s why we don’t have jobs. Pr
etty sure he thinks if we all watch some “Little House on the Prairie” and have some BBQ’s things will get better. Seriously why is this guy still here?
1:46:00 Last question! Charlie wants to know “What is it about you that you want to let the American people know that you feel their pain?”. Or something. I don’t have the energy to go back and try to make sense of that. I’ll sum up the answers , speed round style!
Mrs. Garrett: I grew up middle class. So there!
The Godfather: One more time…9-9-9!!!! Actually he shockingly didn’t mention it. I guess even he’s getting tired of hearing about it.
NEEEWWWTTT: I’m a military brat! So there!
RON PAUL: My goals are to promote liberty, prosperity, peace and free markets. Bingo.
Frothy Rick. I grew up in a steel town! So there!
The Diplomat: I was a governor! So there! Also he mentions some guy named “Sheriff Hardy”. Nifty.
Fireman Rick: I grew up on a farm! I’m a governor! Don’t Mess With Texas! SO THERE!
Mittens: We need leadership so we can become American again. Oh and we need to bomb the bejeezus out of more Muslims! Mittens!!!
Charlie thanks the candidates, I thank you for reading, and I will now watch cartoons and smoke dryer lint to try to cleanse my brain of this. I hope you all enjoyed this, as I’m not sure if I can physically do it again.
9-9-9!