Supposedly Albert Einstein defined insanity as doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. I have no idea whether or not this is true, but he does have cool hair so maybe he’s worth listening to. Regardless after the emotional and psychological trauma this lowly blogger has subjected himself to by live (ish) blogging the last two debates, I’d it’s safe to say my brain is about to enter some uncharted territory. From this point onward I hereby declare that I am not responsible for anything I think, feel or type.
As I always I make my biases clear: I’m a Ron Paul supporter. The rest of these candidates interest me more as social curiosities than anything else.
And we’re LIVE FROM LAS VEGAS!!! Anderson Cooper (AC 360 from here on out), starts by letting these social curiosities introduce themselves, and even gives them an example of how to do it first! When I asked my Magic 8ball what it tells us that the GOP Candidates needed an example of how to introduce themselves, all I got was “The future is murky”. The introductions are pretty drab, so instead of recapping them I’m going to just list the candidates, along with my own nicknames for them and a short explanation.
Jon Huntsman (MIA): Hey where’d he go?!?! Oh, apparently he’s boycotting this because he’s mad at Nevada for moving their caucuses up or something. Sheesh Nevada, didn’t you know that Joseph Smith decreed that New Hampshire shall forever and always be the 1st Primary?
Michelle Bachmann (Sailor Loon): She looks like she just walked off the poop deck. And yes, this was mostly an excuse to type “poop deck”. Oddly, this nickname actually improves her image.
Rick Perry (Crotch): I didn’t even make that one up. It was actually a nickname of his back in the day
Herman Cain: The Godfather (half because he was CEO of Godfather’s Pizza, and half because he reminds me of “The Godfather” Teddy Long)
Rick Santorum (The Frothy One): Just Google Santorum if you don’t get it)
Newt Gingrich (Knut): Half a play on words, and half because he reminds of this cuddly guy
Ron Paul: Champions of liberty require no nicknames.
3:17 AC 360 wastes no time in getting to our first question, directing us to…some dude in the audience named Coleman Randall. Or Randall Coleman. The Colester wants to know how everyone feels about replacing the income tax with a national sales tax?
Sailor Loon comes firing out of the gate reminding us once again that she used to be a Federal Tax Attorney, building a career fleecing money from hard-working Americans – Tea Party populism at it’s finest! She also correctly points out that anytime Congress gets a new tax, it never goes away and always goes up. See Tax, Income for an example.
The Godfather responds to AC 360’s heinous accusation that his 9-9-9 Plan will raise taxes on many people. Watch it, AC, them’s fightin’ words! The Godfather ain’t havin’ none of that, and quickly directs us to his website for more info and why AC don’t know jack about 9-9-9. Also, 9-9-9 is only being attacked because the Evil Accounting Lobby is spreading lies and disinformation.
Frothy disagrees, and then goes on to claim that 9-9-9 is a secret Iranian plot to destroy Israel. At least that’s what I got out of it.
The Godfather kindly invites all Americans to “do their own math”, presumably to grow the economy through calculator sales.
8:50 After a little more squabbling about 9-9-9, AC tosses it over to Crotch, who first assures The Godfather that he “loves him, brother”, and then challenges him to “bump plans”. Perry continues to self-destruct and entertain.
After The Godfather mumbles something about apples, oranges and loaves of bread, AC 360 gets us our first Ron Paul byte of the night! Instead of comparing tax plans to grocery shopping, he rightfully informs that 9-9-9 is a regressive tax, and gets our first real nice applause of the night proclaiming he’d rather replace the income tax with “Nothing”, and touts his plan to cut $1 Trillion from the budget. Here here.
11:52 Guy Smiley’s 59 Point Plan! But wait, it was a tease! Instead we get about 30 seconds of Guy and Godfather arguing about apples and oranges again. I didn’t make that up.
12:50 Guy Smiley gets real and breaks it down. Jobs, energy, America gettin’ our jobs back!!!! Classic Smiley!
13:45 AC 360 asks Knut about 9-9-9 and why it would be a hard sell. Knut responds with “well you just watched it” to a loud CACKLE from Sailor Loon. It was decently funny, as far as GOP Debates go. Then again, we’ve spent the first 12 minutes comparing sales tax to fruit, so the bar is pretty low.
15:43 AC 360 confirms from Sailor Loon that “everyone should pay something” (to some big applause! Yeah! Taxes rule!). She gets in her jabs at ObamaCare, and those big meanies Chris Dodd and Barney Frank! Get ’em, Sailor!
17:30 Crotch continues his descent into madness as he turns a question about Guy Smiley’s 59 Pt Plan into some babble about energy under our feet. This is seriously getting uncomfortable. And I’m prettaaay sure he’s stoned.
19:00 Guy Smiley thinks that’s cute, but thinks jobs are cuter. Jobs! Investment! Jobs! Trade! Education! Balance the Budget! Jobs! And don’t forget…Repeal Obamacare!
20:30 Frothy agrees with everything he’s been hearing. How neat. He then goes on to tell us about a “new term, but he’s been using it for a long time”. I was so impressed by this I knew I didn’t even need to listen to his explanation. The man. Just. Has. IT.
22:00 Apparently Frothy said Guy’s trigger word, “RomneyCare”, and Guy suddenly isn’t so smiley. Guy refers us to his book, so you know he’s serious. Apparently RomneyCare is ok because it was cool for Massachusetts, but hey it’s not for everyone. They then talk over each other like whiny children fighting over their favorite Yo-Gabba Gabba character (mine’s Brobee). Oh and in case you forgot…REPEAL OBAMACARE!!! It’s the “Don’t Tread On Me” of the GOP 2012 Revolution(ish).
24:32 AC 360 wants to hear from Knut. That’s nice, but when’s the last time we heard from Ron Paul? Literally 20 minutes? Hey, here’s a thought: maybe ask the Doctor about healt
Knut and Guy play the Mandate Name-Calling Game. Somehow in there two “conservatives” both proudly admitted they were for mandates in health care. The GOP 2012 Primary!
27:20 Sailor Loon thinks “we’re gonna win this thing” against ObamaCare! She really does!
28:00 AC 360 welcomes us back from break (I missed a break! Damn YouTube for cutting out all the good stuff!) by reminding us how fun that little ObamaCare chat was, before moving on to a Twitter question about…ObamaCare! We’re really mixing things up here tonight. Viva Las Vegas!
@jstnmcg asks “If Obama’s Health Care Plan is bad for the US, what is the alternative, and how will you implement it? Fair enough.
28:20 Ron Paul gets a health care question! I burn my eyelashes to make sure I’m not dreaming. He explains how government intervention always increases prices, as does inflation overall, and the real path to health care reform is by letting people control their money and get the 3rd parties (both the government and the insurance companies) out of the way. To the biggest applause of the night! For reals, yo!
30:00 The Godfather references some bill nobody ever heard of, and tells us all health problems can be solved by 9-9-9.
30:50 Crotch lets us know Not to Mess With Texas Health Care, and lets us know illegals shouldn’t be hired or given free health care. Just college discounts. GOP 2012! And then says Guy hires illegals! And the crowd boos Perry!
32:33 This quickly descends into Guy actually starting to show some emotion, and Crotch is playing bully again to the point Guy has to literally call on AC 360 for help. AC is all “hey I’m just a dapper guy with a hip news show, whatcha want me to do?” Guy fires back muttering something about magnets. The crowd is clearly behind Guy. If this were pro wrestling, he’d be the face. And if you don’t know what that means, I am way dorkier than you.
AC 360 gives them both “30 more seconds” about 10 times, before Guy finally confesses some illegals might have mowed his lawn, before stating his 1st amendment rights to speak, since he’s been sooooo ignored all night. What. Ever.
33:00 AC 360 comes after The Godfather for his electric fence “joke”. The Godfather isn’t in the mood to joke, and claims a fence, the ambiguous “technology” and “boots on the ground” are the key to stopping illegal immigration. We also need to open some doors and close some other ones. Also, enforce laws. Also, states rights. Also, have you ever had a Mexican Pizza? Delicious.
35:02 Crotch says fences are too hard to build, so what we really need is a VIRTUAL DEFENSE ZONE. Sounds neat. Pretty sure he got that from Tron. He also called for PREDATOR DRONES TO KEEP US SAFE FROM ALL THOSE IRANIANS TEAMING UP WITH DRUG CARTELS AND CAUSING MISCHIEF. This is like watching the struggling last season of a once-great tv show where they just toss out new cousins and drug addictions and random cameos hoping something, anything will keep it around for just one more season. Pretty soon Crotch is gonna be managing the “Peach Pit After Dark”.
38:10 Sailor Loon takes this opportunity to call out Obama’s Uncle and Aunt as illegals(!!!) and then pledges to build a DOUBLE-WALLED FENCE on the entire border (!!!!!!). And English as the official language (!!!!!!!!!). I feel safer already.
39:40 AC 360 is stuttering a bit, so he tosses it back to Crotch to make himself look good for some more thoughts on fences. I decide this is a good opportunity to purposely burn my hand on the stove.
40:24 Guy LOVES LEGAL IMMIGRATION!
Now it’s the Guy and Crotch Show, Immigration Edition! Crotch gets some more boos, Guy some more cheers. The winner? THE RATINGS.
Ok, TIME OUT! A man can only take so much. My body is so full of rage and Monster Energy Drink (sponsor my blog!) right now that I can’t even form words. How on earth Ron Paul can stand up there like a gentleman, or how anyone at home can take any of this remotely seriously, while these baboons argue about nothing and ‘ol AC just eats it all up with his oh-so-smug mug is beyond anything what’s left of my brain can comprehend. They’re still arguing. Right now. Right this very second as I type this.
43:01 As I try to decide what god to pray to (leaning Vishnu), we get a question from a spunky Hispanic gentleman named Robert Zavala asking simply, “What is your message to the Latino community?”. An open-ended question, well THIS should be good. Yes, it’s that time again…The Immigration Merry-Go-Round!
Knut: Immigrants are good, but most Latinos aren’t immigrants, and THEY want to make Americans work again! Oh he’s soooo cute!
Ron Paul: The good Doctor addresses the real problem with immigration, which isn’t a problem of not having a big enough fence or enough drones to get all those dirty immigrants crossing the border, it’s the larger issue of putting people into groups. What we should really do is treat everyone as individuals, and promote a more prosperous society for everyone through free markets, and NOT subsidize any specific group be they immigrants from Mexico or Mars or just good ol’ Apple Pie Americans. He also gets in a shot about the unfairness in our court system. Not bad for 30 seconds.
The Godfather: His message to Latinos and every other race is that we need to grow the economy…and you know how we do that, right? You guessed it…OH DAMN AC 360 doesn’t have time to hear about 9-9-9, cuz we have to hear from…
Crotch: Crotch and AC 360 get a little snippy before he proclaims…yup, that’s right…We need energy independence! Oh and don’t forget, Obama is killing jobs and turning us into Europeans.
Sailor Loon: The issue is magnets and anchor babies. There’s a joke to be made somewhere between her sailor outfit and the “anchor” baby thing, but my brain is about to give up on me so I’m not gonna push it.
Frothy: Family, Faith, and Marriage. That, and we should kill Muslims! Also he tries to knock Paul saying individuals bad, family good. Make babies and get married, and all shall be right with the world. Amen, Frothy, amen.
AC 360 tosses it to Ron Paul for a rare rebuttal – even HE is getting sick of hearing from these other clowns!
Ron Paul says rights don’t come in bunches, they come from individuals who all have the right to life and liberty. He also skillfully ties the issue into foreign policy, noting that much of the resources that should be protecting our border are instead over in Iraq and Afghanistan and oh, about 130 or so other countries
49:50: We now get a question about one of the hottest political topics right now…the Nuclear Depository at Yucca Mountain! Since my brain currently feels like a nuclear waste depository, I’m just going to skip over this and sum up Ron Paul’s answer: What right do the rest of the states have to force one state (Nevada) to take on ALL of the nuclear waste produced in the rest of the country? As always, the answer lies in free markets and property rights, not government force. The crowd agrees…and so does Guy Smiley!
57:40 Next up…how do we fix the Real Estate problems? Surely we’ll be asking the guy who predicted the bursting of the housing bubble years before it burst?
or we’ll hear Frothy divert the conversation into (accurately) accusing Guy, Godfather and Crotch of supporting TARP, and subsequently we get more of the 3rd grade squabbling that goes along with it. I can’t even tell what questions these guys are answering anymore. We also get a little love from Sailor Loon, who lets all the moms out there know they should “hold on” because she’s a-coming and won’t fail them!
1:02 Now we get to the fun stuff, let’s see what everyone has to say about “Occupy Wall Street”
The Godfather confirms his belief that they should just get jobs and protest at the White House instead of Wall Street.
Ron Paul is asked about Romney’s Wall Street connections, but first points out that The Godfather is blaming the victims, and correctly points out that the real culprit here is the Federal Reserve and the two party system that conspired to bail out all of the banks via TARP.
Godfather says Paul is “mixing problems” – and you just can’t do that!
Paul reminds us that the government isn’t very good at managing anything and is never accountable, pointing out nobody has gone to jail for the housing crisis. As always, we need to understand the business cycle and the source of bubbles (The Federal Reserve) to really get to the heart of these issues.
Guy reminds us once again that Obama is bad and the source of all the world’s problems. And in case you forgot, we need to get American working again. *Yawn*.
1:09 Next up…okay here’s the part where everyone argues about religion and who’s religion is a cult and who’s moral. In order to avoid my mind going into full meltdown, I choose to skip this part and instead watch some Looney Tunes. I suggest you do the same.
Whew. Ok I feel revived and ready for the home stretch now. Whatcha got, AC?
1:15 We now get another question from the audience about cutting defense spending to fix the budget? Oh sounds like a Ron Paul question! So of course we hear from…
Sailor Moon thinks we can’t go cutting a ton because some alcoholic Iranian used car dealer might have tried to kill some Saudi dude. Also, the US gets NO RESPECT because Obama’s bad, and Iranians are bad, and we should probably bomb them if we want respect.
Knut thinks politicians shouldn’t be deciding how much we spend on defense, and then describes himself as a “cheap hawk”. I like that nickname, thanks for the suggestion.
1:19 AC brings up Ron Paul’s proposed $1 Trillion in cuts, to which the audience applauds while Knut giggles. That’s about right. You see, AC is scared that if we cut 15% from the military, all those big mean terrorists from those countries with oil are finally going to pop out from their caves and GET US GOOD!
Ron goes on to correct him, he doesn’t plan to cut ANY defense, merely militarism. He points out how we subsidize the military of countries like South Korea and Japan while we are broke ourselves. He warns that empire building always brings great nations down, and that if we don’t change course, we won’t be an exception. Damn straight.
1:22 AC wants to know if The Godfather would hypothetically release all of Guantanamo in exchange for Al Qaeda releasing a US soldier, since apparently he told Wolf Blitzer he’d be cool with that. The Godfather clarifies that he would not negotiate with terrorists, but then again maybe he would, but only in certain circumstances, like if Al Qaeda bought a Godfather’s Pizza for $9.99 as part of the deal.
Frothy has no such ambivalence, and would never negotiate with terrorists. He also confirms that he wouldn’t cut “one penny” from military spending. He then channels the ghost of John McCain and promises to “Bomb bomb bomb, bomb bomb Iran”.
Ron Paul points out how ludicrous it is to think we can’t cut a single penny and it’s economic suicide and calls out the entire stage for nobody other than him pointing out a single thing they can cut.
1:25 We then go to Vicki O’Keefe in the audience, who wants to know why we’re sending foreign aid all over the place when Americans are suffering so much? Hey AC, maybe ask the guy who just proposed cutting ALL foreign aid?
Or we can go to Crotch, who assures us that everything will be fine if we Drill, Baby Drill!!! He also channels Ron Paul by talking about defunding the UN. If, of course, Ron Paul was a stuttering, nervous 3rd grader at his first debate club meeting.
Guy likes this idea so he too channels Paul, stealing a line he’s used over and over about borrowing money from China to give to other countries. He then rattles off some stuff about cutting the Federal work force by 10%. Weird, I wonder who else has proposed that?
AC finally caves and tosses it over to the REAL Ron Paul, who points out that foreign aid is the easiest thing to cut, and that it essentially amounts to taking money from the poor people of a rich country and giving it to the rich people of a poor country. AC presses him on ISRAEL, and shockingly isn’t boo’d when he confirms, yes he’d cut aid to EVERYONE, but not before pointing out that the foreign aid really hurts Israel by tying their hands and that they’ll be just fine without us. Because you know, they have a bunch of nukes and stuff.
1:29 Sailor Loon puts the brakes on that one. Israel is, after all, our FRIEND, and we gotta support ’em! That’s cute. Just like her little sailor getup. Also, Iraq and Libya should pay us back for bombing them. Yes, she really said that.
1:30 The Godfather assures as that “peace through clarity” will lead the way. This seems to be his “9-9-9” of foreign policy.
1:31 Ron Paul gets to respond AGAIN?! AC is clearly over this. Ron Paul wants to know if anyone feels like condemning the Republican God Ray-Gun for trading weapons for hostages?
Frothy says that was ok, because they are a country and not terrorists, and Knut confirms Ronnie made a mistake and still tosses in his grave to this day over it. Gotcha.
1:34 And we’re back! For our LAST SEGMENT! Thank. Effin. Gawd.
AC 360 wants to know who has the best chance to beat Obama and points to a poll saying it’s Romney, and specifically asks Frothy about the 1% he got in that poll. Frothy thinks voters don’t know nuttin’ ’bout nuttin’, and then tells us how great he is for about 40 minutes. More or less.
Guy Smiley agrees, he can beat Obama, and he’s the best. Did you know he can create jobs?
It’s been a while since Guy and Crotch have bickered, so AC 360 facilitates some more of that, as I decide to pour Monster energy drink directly into my eyes, just to see. It doesn’t hurt as much as you’d think.
1:39 AC asks Godfather what he thinks about all this. Shockingly, he thinks he should be President because he’s from Main Street and he’s cleaned parking lots and solved problems. Well then!
Guy tells us he’s been a CEO a bunch, and you know what that means…he can CREATE JOBS!
AC 360 says it’s about time to wrap things up – say it ain’t so, AC!
Sailor Loon chimes in to let us know “The Cake is Baked!”. And judging by her outfit, she baked it.
And Knut gets the last word. I’d tell you what he said, but let’s be honest I stopped listening to these guys around Question 3.
I had closing thoughts at one point, but if Ron Paul doesn’t even get a closing statement I don’t see why I should. Instead, I’m going to sit here and contemplate the health effects of doing these blogs. That, and donate to Ron Paul.
Here’s the Ron Paul highlights for those that can’t stand to filter through the madness. That’s why I’m here folks.
Goodnight, and good luck!